I've had lots to say lately, but no way to say it.
I could talk about how much Jackson has grown or that he is sitting up on his own now or that he talks so much he's a carbon copy of his momma. That just doesn't sit right with me at the present time. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my son and I'm amazed at what he does at his young age. It's just not the right thing for me to discuss.
I could go on about how we are ready for Jackson to be a big brother. I'm already fielding the "you're crazy lady" comments, but whatever.
I could go totally opposite and talk about how it still hurts so bad to know that my mom lives in FLA now. Yeah, I'll get to see her for 2 days at the end of our vacation, but that's it.
I could go even further from that and say how blessed Dan and I are. He isn't thrilled with his job right now. He's talked about changing to Toyota, but is the grass really greener?
I could talk about help; how it's such a difficult thing for me to ask for. I could say that I was told in recent weeks it's probably the #2 (if not #1) reason I'm not married to someone else right now.
None of those is really what is and has been on my heart lately.
What is on my heart is completely different from that. What is on my heart is not meant for one person in particular, but a myriad.
So here it goes.
I'm different. I'm not the same person you knew, dated, or loved. I'm not the same person you lived with, said was your "BFF" and now choose to ignore, or fought with.
I'm a completely different person than I was a year ago, 3 years ago, 5 years ago. Life does that to us. Experience, good and bad, does that too us. Sometimes when the natural ebb and flow of life doesn't allow paths to cross, you have to find a way for them cross.
Becoming a wife teaches you a lot. Becoming a mommy teaches you a lot, but doing them both within a year teaches you even more. I think some people would be pleasantly surprised with changes I've made. Not that I was a bad person or anything before, but I've still changed and bettered myself. I think there are others that would be or are proud of my life changes. I'm sure there are others still that could care less....and I'm okay with that.
In the midst of my thoughts the past couple weeks, I've decided I need to make some personal apologies. I'd like to make them in person, but some just aren't able to be. That's not something I will post publicly other than possibly to say that it was done. One of those will hopefully happen this weekend. We shall see.
My heart and head feel better.
I can go on talking about my son and the mundane things in life.
I can prepare myself mentally, physcially, spiritually and emotionally to become a mommy again.
I can be excited for vacation in October and going to see my mom.
I can be supportive of my husband and the choices he makes as head of the household.
I can ask for help when I need it.