Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Really depressed

I sit here with tears streaming down my face. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't afford ANYTHING....including food. Everything I make (and more) will have to go into my gas tank. I have no choice. I have to drive 50 miles round trip everyday to student teach. I don't even know if I want to be a teacher anymore. I just want to go home. We've got a family reunion this weekend, but I can't go home as it will take 250 miles round trip...that's a full tank of gas....that's $45+ I don't know what to do. I seem to be more and more depressed everyday. I do a damn good job of hiding it, but I don't know how much longer I can. I miss my mom, I miss Randall. I just want to be held. I love being here for the most part. I've got 3 really good friends: Katie, Nicole and Pamela. I don't know what I'd do without them. I love them all dearly. Other than that, all I have is mom, Randall, grandma and grandpa.

I just want to go home, but I can't even do that.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Blog spam

Who the hell spams a blog?!?! I mean really. Some people have way too much time on their hands!!!

Also, please don't post anonymously; that way I won't delete your comment thinking it's spam.

A new Day...

I don't know why or to whom I'm writing this, but I felt compelled this morning to do so. Today is a new day! Focus today on the things that make you happy. You can't change what you did yesterday, the day before or anytime before that. Love yourself. If you love another person tell them.

Have a great day!!!

Monday, August 29, 2005

Talked to Randall!!

Well, he's alive...Cingular messed up his phone, well the SIM card in the phone. He's found a place in South Bend and will be moving on Thursday. I didn't get too long to talk to him, but hopefully I will later.

I really do love him.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

What goes around, comes around

We've all heard the statement before. Well, I found out the ultimate "comes around" out of that statement!!! Many of you know that the reason I'm not married right now is because my ex-fiancee cheated on me. In talking to a friend last night I found out some VERY interesting information about his marriage.

When I found out that he had gotten married I knew that it wouldn't last a year. The circumstances would never allow for it to! What is it you ask? I thought that he was cheating on her. Good guess, but no. The comment to me on that was, "It's kind of the opposite." Well, his wife has been staying at this other WOMAN'S place becasue she is trying to figure out whether or not she is gay! She's cheating on him with another woman!!!! It gets better!!!!

When he and I were together his oldest "son" (who is now 16 or 17) was arrested by him. One would think then that you'd leave momma alone. Anyway, his "son" is about to make him a grandpa. hehehe. So now my ex who isn't even 30 yet is dealing with a wife who thinks she's gay and the fact that he's gonna be a grandpa. That made my year last night.

As far as Randall and I are concerned. I've still not heard from him. I'm still really worried. Not sure what to think.

Thursday, August 25, 2005


So, I've not heard from him at all since Sunday. Foudn out this morning when I tried to text him from Cingular's site that he's changed his number already. Don't know what to do.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

First Day

Well, today went really well. It was my first day of student teaching. This first placement is going to be great, fun and easy! I'm an "itenerant teacher" in this placement. Lots of fun and lots of traveling.

I'm totally glad that I have close friends that I can just veg and vent with. Nicole came and visited me tonight after class. It was great just to hang for a bit. Medic....she and I hang a lot...we have too, we're twins. hehehe

Made a special trip to see my sister today. She acted like she didn't want to be around me. Crushed me. I don't know what her deal is with it.

I'm also having a hard time with the huge separation from Randall. He moved to South Bend yesterday and I've not heard from him. I try not to call like all the time, but I just want to talk to him even if it's for like 2 minutes. He promised before I left that we'd talk every day just the same...I've only talked to hime 3 days though since I moved back. Yeah I need to focus on my student teaching, but if I start worrying, I won't be able to focus...catch 22. I'm pretty sure he's having a good time being with Mike, Amy and the kids. I know it's good for him to be there and it's only 4 months for me.

I guess it's just the little things that I'm really missing. I miss the kisses on the forhead, the random messages on the computer even though we're in the same room, the laughing and oddly enough all the picking on me he does just to get a rise out of me.

I don't know if he reads this, but that's ok. If he does, he'll know for sure that when I say I love him, I truly mean it.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

The Cold Shoulder

Ok...So I'm all moved in and we have this new GA (Grad Assistant) who thinks she's an RHC (Resident Hall Coordinator). Well she isn't. In fact, she's a total bitch. Anyway I'm walking out with Pamela to move her car and this is the conversation that happens:

Bitch: Excuse me (with an attitude of course)
Me: (turns around to look at her)
Bitch: Why are you giving me and my staff the cold shoulder?!
Me: I'm not doing anything
Bitch: No one is accusing you of anything. (yes that is actually what she said after saying I was giving them the cold shoulder)
Me: I'm not doing anything other than my work.
Bitch: Well, we're trying to say hi to you and smile at you and you just keep going.
Me: I dont' know what you are talking about. In fact I beg to differ as no one is trying to do anything.

Now, I should have prefaced this with what happened last night. I'm in my room....they know that I've checked in. My door gets pushed open. I go to the door and they were like "sorry we forgot." I said, "well that's ok, it just kind of scared me when my door came open." So I just get off the phone with dad talking about funeral arrangements for Uncle Wayne AND I'm in the midst of changing. They do it AGAIN!!! There is like 30-60 seconds in between this time. So I go and push the door closed and lock it. Well, Bitch comes and knocks on my door and is like, " You're going to have to excuse us. We're putting things in the rooms and you just slammed the door shut." I just closed the door and locked it again and went on.

So yeah, that's how the semester has started. She's going to get a RUDE awakening when the rest of the girls move into this building and she finds out what it's really like.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Tomorrow's It

Well, I've had a lot of things on my mind the past few days which is part of why I've not updated since Wednesday. I go back to Richmond tomorrow. This means that after the time I leave Cincy tomorrow, I don't know when for sure the next time I see Randall will be. Here's the story:

Mom was a little cooler about things and is letting him stay a bit longer...however he's going to move to South Bend, IN. We talked about South Bend prior to even talking about Cincinnati. Even though I knew it wasn't 100% gone, I was still hoping that after moving to Cincy, South Bend wasn't going to come up again. I just got used to the fact that I was going to come home after it looks like I"ll be headed to South Bend. Anyway, it's better financially for us if he goes. His bestest friend in the whole world, who is pretty much a brother to him, lives up there. He and his wife have been begging Randall to come up there for sometime now. Well, they are going to let him stay with them as long as needed rent free. Also, Mike is trying to sell their 2000 Neon....well he's gonna sell it to Randall for $1500 and told him that he could make payments on it as he could. Also, Randall is more likely than not going to be able to get on up there at the same place Mike works. The job starts at 48K-55K. Obviously it's a much better situation than Cincinnati is financially.

All of this still being part of why I don't want to go back. I haven't even started packing, so I guess that's what I'll be doing tonight. I've been putting it off, I guess hoping that I wouldn't for some reason have to go back. Although, I really don't have a ton to take back as I'm going on minimal things since it's my last semester and I"ll be moving out in December....I really don't need all of those things.

On a good note, I bought a car on Fri. afternoon! It's a 90 Labaron. Cute little car, runs great and it was cheap! I've yet to take pictures and everything, but obviously this is something that HAS to be scrapped.

Ok, I think that's enough for now....sorry about the super long post. I've got to get ready and run a few errands before I go into work. TTFN

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

4 months....

*til I graduate
*til I an start my life
*til I'm on MY own...for real
*til I can be with Randall all the time
*til I end up moving to Indiana
*til I have to take on ALL of my bills
*til I'm an "adult"
*til I have to truly figure out if I'm going to teach or not

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I thought she'd be cooler than this...

All along my mom has said that when I go back to school Randall has to move out. Due to the fact that we live in a little town and can see why she is saying this. However, she's not budging at all on this. The entire reason he's not gotten an apartment yet is because we're waiting on a claim from the's supposed to be done..we're assuming this month, but legally for sure we'll have the money by the end of Sept. Mom knows this and still won't allow him to stay. I've been a complete wreck. I know it isn't, but I feel like all of this is totally my fault. I just kep saying all along that mom'd be cool with things, it'd be ok...but tonight the bomb dropped and the three of us sat down and she totally was like...NOPE. I don't know what to do. He can't go back to starts for him here in Cincinnati in a couple weeks. I almost forgot to add too that mom was like, "You are more than welcome to be here when Katy is home and you don't have to move all your stuff right away..." Well, duh! If he's in a different apartment am I going to be staying here?! NO!

I've had a hard day as it is about not wanting to go back to Richmond. This really set it over the edge...if I don't go, he doesn't have to go. He's being so strong for me right now even though I know he is just as upset and also thought mom was gonna be cooler about this. So, if you have some extra$$ (HA) or know of a place around here that is el cheapo but still safe to live in and live in the area PLEASE let me know ASAP!

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Mixed Feelings

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely have loved my time in college; however, I'm really having mixed feelings about going back in a week. I'll finish this semester, don't you worry....I'm too close to quit now. But if nothing else, that is my reasoning. I woke up this morning in a rather unhappy mood (sorry honey). I got to thinking....I go back in a week. I can't finish without a car. I still don't have a car. I can't afford a car. I can't get a loan. I get jumped on if I don't see my dad. I get jumped on if I do see my dad. Then too I think about the wonderful things I"m leaving, even if it only is for a total of four months, and I'll be home several (if not all) weekends a month; SBC, Randall, my mom, my "family" at Rick's, grandma and grandpa. I just don't know. This is SUCH a hard time in a person's life. I"m ready to be on my own (with Randall...tee hee), yet I just can't. It's right there but it's out of reach.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Yes, I'm still alive

I know I've not said anything for a while. Well, it's becuase I've been sick. YUCK.....I've had a double ear infection. It is NOT fun at all. Now I know why kids scream their heads off when they have them. I've cried myself over the pain.

On a different note. I feel like I"m competing with the damn computer for his attention. I don't know what to do about it. Last night it took me being huffy, quite loudly too, to even get him away from the computer to comfort me for a whopping 3 minutes. I just don't know. I love him dearly, I know he loves me the same way. It's just frustrating. I think the fact that I'm headed back to Richmond in about 10 days is actually a good thing for us. Almost feel like he's taking for granted that we're living together. We shall see. I'm gonna try to actually go to bed...again...since I have to be at work at 8.