Sunday, February 26, 2006

Blast from the past.

I'm at my mom's this morning as I came up yesterday for a wedding. (pics and stories from the wedding to come when I am at my computer and can upload the pictures) While here, I've been cleaning out some of my things. I opened a huge tub of mine that was filled with nothing but pictures and photo albums of mine from high school and the beginning years of college. WOW. What really got me for some unknown reason was the scrapbook that I had started for Alex. Despite what has happened in recent years, I will always love him. Loving someone and being in love with someone are two entirely different things. A woman NEVER forgets her first love....There were so many firsts in my life with that man that I could never forget. The relationship we had is a part of who I am now and the way I act, react, and think about things. For the scrapbook I had printed off some emails and portions of conversations that we had had together. Yes, I read them. Yes, I cried (big surprise...I know) There's one that will always get to me....maybe it's because of the timing of our relationship, maybe it's because of the "grown up" feelings that were involved, maybe just because it was something nice said in love. What I'm about to put up here is from a conversation dated Oct. 5, 2002. That day turned out to be exactly a week before he asked me to marry him. This was his logical explanation on why I'm beautiful...

"that when I think about you and see you, my mind is filled with happiness and joy, when we talk, I"m constantly both challeneged by your intellect and attracted to your personality, and when I look at your picture, I get warm thoughts of the next time we are together, and I can see you again. Those are factual observations, not subjective, because they are my own about me, and from my experience, I am the expert of my own thoughts and feelings; more qualified than anyone. My statement that you are beautiful comes as an expression of the way you make me feel when I think of you, talk to you, and look at you, which are factual things. so the matter of you being beautiful to me is factual, and logically reinforced."

Now, don't go getting any ideas thinking I want to be back with him. We had too bad of an ending and history the past 2 years for that to ever happen. I wanted to say this because, well, I"m not totally sure. I just felt that it was the thing to say today. Yes there are other things that were said, but they don't need to be put in here. I guess I want to remember it for the reason that I know how I deserve to be treated, talked to, loved, yet sometimes I put up with someone sub-par....we all do.

I know that, "when it's the right time" the right person will come along. It's that damned waiting that gets me everytime. I also know that "when you don't look and when you least expect it is when it'll happen." Do you know how easy it is to say that when you are in a realtionship?? It's not NEAR as easy when you are single to say it let alone believe it.

So yeah...I don't know what my readers will think about this, but frankly, I really don't care. This spot is for me to vent, think, see things in writing. So if you have a comment and it's not mean and nasty, you can leave it. I really don't care one way or the other.

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