Saturday, March 18, 2006

Confusion

I'm so confused on what I want right now. Wife... Mommy...I love the thought of becoming those things. I am with someone special "SS". ( I don't want to jinx it by saying anything more than that right here about SS as that usually messes it all up) I do have SS right now. Is that it though?? Is it "right now"? SS is great! Does the right things, says the right things....more so than the "norm" of just trying to get into a girl's pants. But I don't want to get hurt. I walk the fine line. My past, well, it's my past, but it's made me who I am right here right now...the good, the bad, the ugly. It seems that it's only natural to fear being hurt...right? Lately though, I feel as if I almost set it up to get hurt or to fuck things up. Last night being prime example....but I'm not going into it here.
I'm at "that age" where all your friends and acquaintences are starting to get married and have families. There's a part of me that feels like I have to scramble and hurry and catch up. I liked it when it was me being the first in the group to get married....now, it's just about dead last. Do you know how many weddings I'm a part of or going to this year alone?!?! Really brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "always a bridesmaid never a bride" (or in some cases the make-up artist).
I mean, I don't want to rush into anything and make a HUGE mistake like almost happened once in my life. But damnit, my childhood dream/timeline is all kinds of fucked up now. No one wants that to happen. All I want is to be treated like the princess I am...hahaha...a low-maintenence princess at that.
I'm by no means dependent on a man. Hell, I own my own business. I pay my own bills. I don't run to mommy and daddy when things get tough; even though a part of me wants to do just that.
Financially, I can take care of myself just fine.
Emotionally, I'm pretty stable...we all have our moments, espeically when a "visior" is here. Physically, batteries can only do so much.....not to mention, pillows don't cuddle back....your blanket doesn't push your hair out of your face or stare into your eyes.

I can handle being on my own and living by myself....it's the companionship that I miss. But then I look at SS...and it's great...I'm my quirky self and he's ok with that. Sure there are pet peeves that I have about him and I'm sure he has about me....and looking at us, you'd never put us together, but that's what makes life interesting.
I don't know what I think or feel right now...hence the confusion. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest and I can come back to it at another time.

On to today ...the sleeping thing...yeah, not working so much. Then again, the phone call I got from a friend at 3am saying that they were in my parking lot didn't help either. However, I was still awake. So I guess I'm happy for that reason. We did have a discussion about that fact though. Plus, I've always been one that can't sleep in even when I've gotten little sleep. So I finally got to bed about 5 and was up by 11. Maybe it'll help me sleep tonight if I can force myself to not take a nap.

Beth and I are supposed to go out this afternoon. She and I haven't gotten to spend any time together...hell I've not spent any time with hardly any of my friends. I was gone in Cincinnati only to come back while they were on spring break.

On another happy note....I put on a skirt the other day that I've not worn since last spring and yay!!! It was a bit big. If I were buying it today, I'd buy a size smaller. That's good. The best part is I'm not even trying...it just happens.

So yeah....Saturday afternoon...no sleep last night ... still in pj's...(which I should prolly remedy since Beth is supposed to be up here in Lexington at any time now)...haven't eaten yet today...confused about boys (nothing totally new)...missed St. Patty's day (and I'm a damn Irish)...venting. Sounds normal to me....I think.

I'm rambling more than usual...I'm out.

Always have a DD... Designated Driver or Designated Drinker. Your choice!

1 comment:

barb Hogan said...

Well, you know how I feel about it. I didn't get married until I was nearly 30 and that was a good thing. Mark my words, those that are getting married early are the ones getting divorced the quickest. Focus on making your life the best ever right now. You'll never have a better opportunity to do whatever you want for yourself than right now when you don't have a husband and you don't have any children. Enjoy it.