Saturday, October 22, 2005

I love it, but.....

waking up just after 6 on Saturday morning isn't excatly my idea of fun. I love teaching. Yes at the end of the day I'm wiped out, but that doesn't mean on my one morning that I can sleep almost as late as I want that I have to wake up at 6!!!

So what do you do at 6 am when you are wide awake?? I think...and that gets me in trouble. I start questioning people's "truths" (as truth really is relative I learned about 2 years ago) I also start to think about all the things that I really should get done....not just lesson plans, but you know cleaning, dishes, sending emails...all those "fun" things. But one of the worst things to think about , and I do, is home. I was never this big on going home and being with my mom and my comforts there. Yeah I'm independant, but come on, even the most emotionless person wants to go home to their mom every once in a while. The other worst thing to think about is the past. I start to think about the shit I've gone through in the past 5 years. Even I have to take my happy mask off sometimes. Unfortunately for me during part of that time I was constantly told to think about the worst case scenario and have that in the back of my mind (just so you can be prepared for it). Up until right before my 21st birthday I didn't worry too much about the worse case scenario. Well, that person got it in my head. I do that now. Let me tell you, it sucks thinking that way. And when you are a "crier" it sucks even more! I try not to let my past affect how I think/act towards the men in my life, but it's really hard. I need to talk to GC about it. He needs to know why I do some of the things I do; why I think some of the thinks I think.

I didn't get on here to just be sad and sappy....who wants that?! I certainly don't. Who wants to read it?! I'd bet that most of you don't. I hopped onto my blog this morning to see what I ended up writing. What's on my heart; What I'm thinking; What I'm feeling. There is one thing I've felt the urge to say for sometime and I know this person has been reading my blog:
Alex...I want you to know that there is a small part of me that will always love you. You were my first love, my first bit of hope in what was going on at the time. I will never forget what you did for me during that time of hurt in my life. I also know that somewhere deep inside you is not the bitter, emotionless man that you have a tendancy to portray. You are going through a rough time right now and I'm truly sorry, one hundred times over, for using your hurt to make me feel better in recent months. You and I both know that that isn't really the person I am. I've been blessed to not go through what you are going through now, but I wish that you didn't have what is sitting in front of you on your plate. I hate how things ended with us and I wish that it never had to end that harsh. I'm sorry for being immature at times and I'm sorry for some of the thoughts that I had towards you. I feel that I want to say more to you, but I'm not sure exactly of the words to say.

This is where I end this mornings post.

1 comment:

Alex said...

The pain of this has been far from the worst in my life. There are hopes broken, plans crushed, and I have been ripped away from the stability that I have sought. Even in this, I look forward to new plans, and new hope in the opportunities that are now open in the ashes of my marriage.
Planning for the worst case has been my way of life, my way of preparing for loss even before it happens. In its worst form, this path has caused loss that perhaps may never have been there at all; a cruel irony in my life. My reasons for unrepentently staying like this go deep; to a point of my life that you and I only discussed a few times, my grandmother. Now, it is an instrument of my survival, both in uniform, and out. This is not a way that most people should live, let alone you, and I am sorry for bringing that into your life, among other things. I hope you do not allow it to be a factor in your own happiness.
There is no need in apologizing to me for what you have felt in my troubles. I have been the cause of enough of your own to vindicate any joy you have taken from this. Whether it is right for you to do so is a matter for yourself, but no apology to me is warranted.